Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hello Blog

I know that I've neglected this blog lately.  It's not because we are doing great and completely healed.  The pain is still so real.  The past week was particularly difficult.  I'm not sure why.  We miss Sierra so much.  Ruby has been talking a lot about "Sissy" lately.  She's been saying, "Sissy?  Bye." and "Sissy? Know?" as she's saying it, she'll hold out her little hands like she does when she's looking for something.  Another thing she said was, "Sissy, I lo lu" (I love you.)  It is sweet and heartbreaking all in one.

Independence Day is coming up next week.  It was always one of my favorite holidays.  This year I'm dreading it.  I don't have my precious angel baby to dress up in red, white, and blue.  Sometimes, I wish we could just skip holidays.  Sometimes I wonder how it is possible to celebrate when we are in so much pain.  Yet life must go on.  Not for our sake, but for Ruby's.  We want her to experience all the joys of childhood.  

I think sometimes people see us out and about and think that we've healed and are no longer suffering.  What they don't see are...

....the tears shed in the quiet of night
....the pain of seeing the matching dresses that Sierra and Ruby were supposed to wear the day Sierra went to heaven.
....the shattered dreams of having Sierra get a wish granted from "Make a Wish"
....the daily items that were Sierra's that she will never use again
....the "we should have..." thoughts
....the little girl who will never see her "Sissy" again on this earth
....the pain of seeing other special needs children and knowing that I can't hug my own special needs child

The list goes on and on just as does the pain.